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Fri

28

Sep

2007

Chartier Applies to Blackwater
Friday, 28 September 2007 16:13
by Tom Chartier

I’ll tell ya, the war just drags on. There’s no end in sight! No, I’m not talking about that murder fest in Iraq… or Afghanistan. I’m taking about my personal Operation Chicken Freedom!

This island to which the Emperor Tiberius has exiled me happens to be infested with loose, wild chickens. Loathsome creatures.

You ask: What’s wrong with chickens? Nothing if they come in a white and red box with the Colonel on it or served up with tarragon and pommes frites at a Michelin-recommended routier outside Lyons. 

When they are alive and running around free, chickens are The Enemy bent of destroying my way of life.

They’re obnoxious! Not only do they scratch about in and tear up my garden of earthly delights but also the male of the species makes one God-awful racket 24/7.

As readers of these pages will recall, for me the sound of  “cock-a-doodle-do” does not mean: “Rise and shine!” It really means: “Zap me with your Taser!”

This is something up with which I will not put! Besides, the good government of this island has banned Tasers.

After a weekend of tense negotiations closeted with Dick Cheney at Camp David, (Bush was too busy being a “windshield cowboy” to attend), I have issued a Chartier “Finding” authorizing the Unleashing of Hell. That’s right, it’s time to turn loose the big guns on the chickens: Nimrod and Little Brain, the Hounds of War!

Being more of a power dog, Little Brain doesn’t quite have the required speed. Nimrod, however, is a missile of death. She was born to the task. To date, Nimrod has seventeen confirmed kills; she’s approaching Ace status.

I beam with pride every time she bounds home with a dead, mangled rooster. For mysterious reasons I do not understand, the local government has decided not to put a bounty on dead chickens. It was debated quite seriously for weeks. I feel gypped. Unless one is desperate, they’re too tough and gamey to be rendered edible. There’s gotta be a way to turn Nimrod’s expertise into a gravy train of cold cash.

Then it hit me! Who pays big bucks to murderous maniacs for murdering maniacally without any possibility of legal recourse from the victims? Who ya’ gonna call? Blackwater!

That’s it! Blackwater! America’s… well the Bush/Cheney Double Democratic Dictatorship’s favorite Private Military Contractor. I’ll sign Nimrod up with Blackwater!

Ok, where did I leave that Blackwater application form? Oh yeah, under my jammed and useless U.S. made M-16. I was going to complain to the government official from whom I bought it but he’s under investigation so mum’s the word.

See, it says right here that Blackwater is an equal opportunity employer. And as a recipient of federal dollars, Blackwater cannot discriminate on the basis of race, gender or species. In fact, they even have a division titled: Blackwater Canine! Now we’re cookin’ with Napalm!

First question: Name. Nimrod… hmmm, that may not look too good on an application form. I’d better come up with something with more chutzpah. Got it! Laird Chartier! Forget that Nimrod is a female, er, was a female. Doctor Brenda fixed that potential bugaboo. Anyway, from now on Nimrod shall be: Laird, a testosterone-pumping nom de guerre.

Next question: Languages. We have the choices of English, French, German, Spanish, Russian, Japanese, Arabic, Farsi, DARI, Japanese, Pashayi, Tagalog, Tashiq, Sign Language and “none of the above.” What? No Pig Latin or Ceazarny Teazalk?

Interesting selection. Why do Blackwater employees need Arabic, Farsi or any spoken tongue? I thought the idea was shoot first and let God ask the questions later. Seems to me, English is just fine if the person you plan on interrogating is good and dead.

Ok, well what does Laird speak? Hey, she doesn’t speak, she listens and obeys. A silent woman. How much better can it get? Let’s see she understands; “meat,” “stay,” “out,” “perimeter,” “no,” and “kill.” I’ll check “English” and sign language. Nimrod responds well when I throw rocks at her.

Qualifications: Qualifications? Oh well, we gotta pick one. But just look: There’s something like fifty-six blood-curdling qualifications from which to choose! I feel like a kid in a candy store. Well, this is Blackwater so there’s no point in telling the truth. Might as well make up something good. Ok Laird’s qualifications are: “Instructor; K-9,” “Special Forces” (if Nimrod isn’t special who is?). Oh yeah here’s a goodie close to my heart: “Bondurant Driving Training Graduate.”

Weapons: Weapons? Laird don’t need no stinking weapons! Laird has fangs!

Trades: Uh… hm… need to choose something impressive. Here it is! Sniper! Who can turn down your friendly neighborhood sniper standing on top of Pop’s Old Time Hardware on Main Street USA? Besides, this is about as close to running down and killing chickens as I can find. Good enough for government work! Oh there’s demolition and escape artist! Better include those! Laird has destroyed thousands of dollars worth of deck screening, landscaping, leather couches and flip-flops. In fact… let the truth be told. Laird was behind 9/11. I whupped her good for that one. She can also get out of a locked trunk at the bottom of the Cayman Trench. Compared to this “purebred” West Bay Shepherd, Houdini was a poseur.

Law Enforcement: Easy! The 53rd Precinct in the Bronx.

Background information: Now this is interesting. The Blackwater homepage clearly states that to be considered for the elite Blackwater Goon Squad one must be a U.S. citizen. However, lo and behold, applicants can choose from a plethora of nationalities. Could it be that in reality America’s premier mercenary contractor really doesn’t give a rat’s ass about an applicant’s country of origin? As one foreign official put it: “It’s not illegal – but it’s not celebrated either.”

Best tell the truth on this one. Laird is a citizen of Borrioboola-Gha, on the left bank of the Niger. Let them chew on that mouthful for a while.

Clearance: Oh let’s make this good. We all know that Laird is incapable of spilling the beans under any degree of “persuasion.” It helps being a rather stupid dog. Ok: Top Secret SCI. Let’s sweeten the pot with some top-secret clearance to some of the world’s most notorious state-sponsored spy rings shall we? Mossad, the Stasi, MI-6, KGB, the Cheka, Gestapo and SPECTRE! Can you think of any to add? Yeah, I now this doesn’t make any sense… but ask yourself… does any of it?

Comments: Since Nimrod… er… Laird is asleep on the floor right now I’ll just make this one up for her. “I believe in freedom, liberty and democracy for all peoples and anyone who disagrees needs to be killed.”

Now we’re talking Democracy!

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
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