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Thu

01

Nov

2007

Let’s Go To A Party!
Thursday, 01 November 2007 00:05
by Tom Chartier

What cha y’all doing on December 4th and 5th? Same as me… Nothing? Well, all that’s about to change. Let’s get started on the holiday festivities early. Boy, do I have a shindig for you!

Our favorite Private Military Contractor, Blackwater has sent out an official invite to a conference. Ok, so it’s not really a party. It’s a conference. But you know how those barrels of monkeys can snowball and monkeys a plenty will be attending! Just think of the rabid luminaries strutting down the red carpet! Gonzo and Dead Eye Dick might be there! More likely we’ll get a collection of pusillanimous bacilli. Nevertheless, it should be a blast… in prelude to the Big Blast for which they all hunger!

With the eye-catching title of: “Public/Private Partnership in Peacekeeping” it should be a real hootenanny! Just look at the conference description:
This theme will look at those areas where the military and government can use private sector expertise to successfully accomplish security and reconstruction operations. To most effectively and efficiently accomplish stability and reconstruction missions requires using the most appropriate skill sets. Frequently those skill sets reside in the private sector. To best use the taxpayer’s resources may require leveraging the private sector.
Doesn’t it just make you all a-quiver with anticipation? It does me! I’d better change my shorts.

Reading the words: “reconstruction and stability,”one is tempted to assume that Iraq will be the sole focus of the conference. But I don’t think we want to limit ourselves to a bombed out desert community, now do we? Hell no! This project needs to go global!

And clearly the goal here is to find new and improved ways to lock and load even more no-bid contracts for forward thinking gutter rodents like Halliburton, KBR, Custer Battles and Blackwater. Gonna have to make up for the bad rap they’ve been getting somehow.

You know, gunning down 17 Iraqi civilians for the fun of it and getting kicked out of Iraq is bad for the public image. At least they still care how they look… and maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but there is room for improvement. The best and brightest military minds, government geniuses and “Industry” moguls need to bump their noggins together and come up with some rip snortin’ solutions for the bold new adventure that lies ahead.

Fact is, gloomy pessimists would have you believe the privately operated military occupation of Iraq is a genocidal rip-off. Hogwash! It’s big business and it’s booming! Where else can your company make a fortune in an environment distinguished by crumbling buildings? With just one product -- rootin-tootin gunslingers -- Blackwater leads the way with profits and dead bodies, both achieved without any accountability. It doesn’t get any better than that. It’s business as usual for the Military Industrial Complex.

Dang, I wish my portfolio included stock in this cash cow!

Let’s get right down to brass tacks here. From the conference description:

To best use the taxpayer’s resources may require leveraging the private sector.

I love it when they talk dirty like that. “Leverage!” Be still my heart. It’s time to do something about the naysayers, like that party-pooper Rep. Henry Waxman and those other old fashioned cretins with… and I shudder at the thought… morals.

The real issue is how best to apply “leverage” in stealing money from the Joe Schmo in the street… er, I mean… taxpayer resources. Well, thumbscrews are always effective. Bamboo shoots under the nails are fun too. But we need bigger and better forms of leverage. How about the time-tested method of smashing storefront windows? Hey it worked for Adolph Hitler’s Sturmabteilung (S.A). Or how about the classic touch of the horse head in the bed?

There is the all-important matter of conference attire. Jeeves has laid out the white tie and tails, but the invitation suggests “business attire.” Gadzooks! That’s gonna be a problem. Where can one rent a Tomas de Torquemada costume? And, even if one’s bread and butter is not torture, one does want to give the right impression.

However, let’s not panic here. You see this invite comes from Blackwater. Well then, what’s their business? Killing people! The fact is, when Erik Prince set up Blackwater he followed the fashion dictates of Coco Chanel: Blackwater thugs prefer the basic Commando Black. That translates handily into funeral attire. Tres chic! On the other hand, since we’re talking about organized crime, possibly a silk pinstriped suit with fedora is in order. Don’t forget the ruby pinky ring.

Gee, will there be freebies? Will all in attendance be handed out stylish, red, white and black, Blackwater logo armbands? They’ve got the right color combo.

Then again this is a gala celebration of The New World Empire. Maybe it’s a Toga Party! Come as your favorite corrupt Roman Senator or Insane Emperor! That’s it! I mean, just look at the address:

Ronald Reagan Bldg & International Trade Center
1300 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20004
Well that’s right down the street from Dubya’s East Coast Party Crib! Toga! Toga! Toga! Dibs on the Pontius Pilate costume. Rumor has it that Blackwater head honcho, Erik Prince is coming as the Emperor Tiberius’ Praetorian hit man Sejanus.

Ok, now before you all book your flights I should be honest here. Unless the National Transportation Safety Agency approves of you (and your costume) you may not be allowed to board the flight.

Sadly, without some big government contracts to hand out, you and I are not on the “A List.” We’ll have to wait behind the velvet rope… or will that be an electric fence? Not being members of the ruling elite, we’d be crashing this knees up blow out. So be forewarned. Should you brave attendance sans the engraved invite, don’t expect a warm reception. You might get uh… martyred. You know Blackwater has earned a reputation for being a tad… uh, shall we say, “free-spirited?”

Show up without a hot defense contract and it could be a teenatchee bit like attending the Nuremberg Rally in the garb of a Hasidic Rabbi. Not recommended. So, if you really want to attend, it’s time to rifle through the Rolodex under “M” for “Merchants of Death.”

For all of those of you eager to serve your country by gunning down some Middle Eastern civilians, if you can't get into the Blackwater conference, well, there's always a US Army Recruitment office. Inquire at your local high school. If you just happen to be an illegal alien, here’s your chance to become a Citizen of Rome.

Just thought you all might want to know how our Imperial War Profiteer Masters plan to kick off the “Peace On Earth” season.

Joy to the World!

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
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Mark said:

0
Waxman has morals?
No. Waxman isn't at all bothered by the illegal and immoral invasion of Iraq. All he's concerned about is whether the government is getting a big enough cut of "taxpayers' resources" from Blackwater's mercenaries. Waxman is just another interventionist socialist. He's as arrogant and nasty as they come.
 
November 01, 2007
Votes: +0

jim c said:

0
...
Excellent use of humour Tom but I can tell your guts are in a knot...as are mine !
 
November 01, 2007
Votes: +0

Marc said:

0
Are they creating a private navy too?
Hey Tom, did you hear about the ex-military ship they purchased? I wonder why they would need something like that? Here are two possibilities that came to mind:

1. They're going to rename it Calypso 111 and conduct peaceful oceanographic research.

2. They've made so much money off the Iraq debacle that they didn't quite know what to do with it all. After giving the matter some thought they decided that having their very own a private navy plaything would be fun. It would compliment their very own private army - oops, I meant to say security forces.
 
November 03, 2007
Votes: +0

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