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Sun

20

Jan

2008

The Rapture Can’t Happen Soon Enough to Suit Me
Sunday, 20 January 2008 13:12
by Robert Weitzel

As an atheist and a skeptic, I try to limit my magical thinking to occasional moments of vanity and revenge. But lately I’ve found myself wishing that if the Rapture is on the level, it would happen soon . . . I mean real soon.

The Rapture is the name given to a future event in which Jesus descends from heaven and gathers up all Christian fundamentalists [a.k.a. Christian Right] and swooshes them up bodily to heaven, but not before they’ve jettisoned their clothes and jewelry and all forms of prostheses, including pompadour hairpieces and inflatable bouffant support bladders.

Before I get too far into this, I want it understood that I’m not wishing these folks ill. On the contrary, I’m wishing them what they’ve always wanted—an eternity of enjoying the unchallenged moral certitude they were never quite able to fully enjoy here on Earth, but which nonetheless caused the rest of us no end of misery.

The signs for finally seeing the backside of the Christian Right are encouraging. According to raptureready.com, the Rapture Index (omens portending the Rapture) stands at 163, the highest it’s been since September 11, 2001 when it peaked at its all-time high of 182. I don’t know what the numbers mean either. But I’m not making this up.

It appears Jesus is getting his transition team in place, what with the recent raptures—albeit by conventional means—of the Rev. D. James Kennedy, godfather of the American Dominionist [a.k.a. theofascist] movement and hater of our secular constitution, and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority and hater of all people he could think of to hate.

I do wish the Lord would get his jesters assembled and move on this. Think what the Rapture will mean to those of us left behind.

Twenty-three percent of the 208 million adults in America identify themselves as either Pentecostal or Charismatic Christians [a.k.a. Rapture-ready]. In the event of the Rapture up to 50 million workers will be leaving their jobs without clocking out. The number of positions vacated will be five times as many needed to wipe out the country’s unemployment, leaving the rest of us in a workers’ paradise. Affirmative action be damned! It’s “trickle up” economics at work here.

Not only will our career paths be enhanced, but we’ll have a chance at longer, healthier lives by taking the untold billons of dollars President Bush is currently funneling into the Christian Right’s faith-based coffers to save “Americans one soul at a time" and reallocating them to stem cell research and universal health care, which will save considerably more of an American than just his or her ethereal soul.

Along with vocational upgrades and improved health, we’ll no longer have to wonder, “is our kids learning?” High school grads having trouble gaining admission to one of our over-crowded universities will have immediate access to the vacant desks—and possibly iPods—left by the tens of thousands of Rapture-ready students attending America’s 102 “Christ-centered” colleges, which will be under new management and begging for warm bodies.

And guys, speaking of warm bodies, the universities will be flush with coeds since far fewer teenage girls will be home taking care of their babies—there were 435,000 teen mothers last year. The hundreds of millions of federal dollars spent annually on abstinence-only sex education [a.k.a. religious dogma] in our public high schools will now fund comprehensive sex education programs that promote safe and effective birth control methods. Let’s face it. It was only the Christian Right who thought hormone-pumped primates would ever stop “doing it.”

By the way, do I even need to mention that with the Rapture-ready blissfully ensconced behind the pearly gates the rest of us will be left in peace to enjoy our bedrooms and our most personal intimate relationships on our own terms?

Unarguably though, the highlight of the Rapture will be finding out which of the “born-again” politicians are left on the ground. Unless someone has been lying to the American people—perish the thought—we stand to lose 48 Senators, 186 Representatives, four Supreme Court justices, seven presidential hopefuls, and one hopeless president.

If it turns out—highly unlikely though it is— that the 2008 presidential frontrunners of both parties are missing on Rapture-plus-one, we’ll enjoy the remaining election season with candidates who’ve always been willing to talk about more substantive issues than their most recent meet and greet with the Lord. The God-talk will be in heaven where it belongs.

Consider this . . . with a smile. If the Democrats with Dennis Kucinich and Al Gore—we can talk him into it—or the Greens with Cynthia McKinney and Ralph Nader can’t defeat the unraptured and unrepentant Ron Paul and Rudy Giuliani on their own merits, we’ll now own the Supreme Court.

There is a downside. We know damn-good-and-well who’ll be sitting at his Oval Office desk with a “fooled you again” smirk on his mug on Rapture-plus-one. But keep in mind, we’ll still have Section 4 of Article II of the Constitution and we’ll have the votes and we’ll have the prison. Keep in mind also, gods mostly help those who help themselves.

Having imagined all the above, my thinking is not so magical as to believe there won’t be a few post-Rapture problems. After all, according to Revelations this will be the time of the Great Tribulation and we’ll still have Satan [a.k.a. your choice] to wrestle with. But with the Christian Right enjoying eternity . . . well . . . who cares where, we’ll have only one Devil in the ring at a time. And he’ll be the one carrying a pitchfork not a Bible.

Author’s note: Hopefully Jesus is a not a strict sectarian and swooshes up Jewish and Muslim fundamentalists as well. WHAT? I have the right to hope.

Biography: Robert Weitzel is a freelance writer and contributing editor to Media With a Conscience. His essays regularly appear in The Capital Times in Madison, WI. He has been published in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Skeptic Magazine, Freethought Today, and on popular liberal websites. He can be contacted at: robertweitzel@mac.com
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Comments (8)add comment

mark w bradley said:

0
first rate satire
I'm a satirist (and atheist) who publishes on this site, and this piece had me on the floor. I too would be willing to suspend believe if it would help expedite such a "miracle cure" for the theocratic ills that plague our groaning planet.
 
January 20, 2008
Votes: +0

kikz said:

0
...
hahahaaaa! love it.... soooon enuff indeed!

best bumpersticker i've seen.. on bettybowers' site..

after the rapture, can i have your car?

>smilies/smiley.gif
it'll be a wunnerful day in the neigh-bor-hood.........
 
January 24, 2008
Votes: +0

Lisa said:

0
Rapture Imminent
Be careful what you wish for and yes you are welcome to anything I have when I am raptured, but please read the Bibles before they are all gone..........God's word is true and it will happen just as he said. We are not primates we were created in the image of God to have a relationship with him, our creator. We were divinely created with a body, mind and soul. Your soul will not die. Jesus is the only way to eternal salvation and it is not his wish that any should perish to everlasting hell. Hell was originally created for the "devil" and his angels. It's an awful lot to be wrong about.
 
March 26, 2008
Votes: +0

Rev. Kirkby said:

0
RE: Lisa> Raputre Imminent
"Be careful what you wish for and yes you are welcome to anything I have when I am raptured, but please read the Bibles before they are all gone...."

In full agreement with Lisa. "The Truth remains the Truth regardless of who believes or disbelieves it." It's all fine to make jokes about the Tribulation and being "Left Behind"....right up until the time you find yourself living through that horror.

The sad thing about having nothing to believe in is that you are being so very deceived that God does not exist. Anyone who has read the Bible (indeed, even ever heard the stories contained therein) will have heard about Christ's temptation. Satan is second only to God/Christ/Holy Spiirit in knowledge of the Scriptures and the proof of his intent to deceive lies in that incidence, when he quoted scripture (out of context, by the way) in the attempt to sway Christ. He tried to show that everything that had ever been written and taught was nothing more than untruth.

Satan is the prince of lies! He's as happy as a pig in muck that you people don't believe! You've accomplished his intentions without him ever lifting a finger! You will never face the difficulties, and glorify in the knowledge that only through Christ did you triumph over them and yet remain in joy, as those who follow Christ have experienced, because you have already chosen (even though you don't realize) to follow Satan! He doesn't need to tempt you further, as he already has...and you've already failed!

I feel badly, however, that when you wind up face-to-face with the consequences of your sadly misguided notions, it will finally become all to clear...

...all too late.

Even so, may you find peace...somehow.
 
May 25, 2008
Votes: +0

Jack said:

0
Wow!
Hilarious piece! But I must admit, I almost got as much of a kick out of reading Lisa and Kirkby's batshit comments as I did out of reading the piece.
 
June 16, 2008
Votes: +0

ANICKA said:

0
LAUGH ALL YOU WANT GOD HAS THE LAST WORD ON THOSE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE....
IT'S SO SAD THAT MANY WILL PERISH NOT KNOWING OR CARING THAT THERE WAS A GOD..WELL, MAYBE SO CUZ WHEN YOU ARE LEFT BEHIND, THE WORLD WILL BE ON FIRE LIKE NEVER BEFORE...AND HOW SAD TO SEE THAT YOU WILL DIE IN THIS WORLD, THEN OF ALL THINGS BE CAST INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER SAID THE LORD GOD IN THE BIBLE. I USE TO THINK THE BIBLE WAS A FANTASY BOOK, BUT AS I READ IT AND DID BIBLICAL HISTORICAL RESEARCH I SAW THAT THIS IS A BOOK FOR HOW MANKIND IS TO LIVE BY JESUS WHO WALKED THIS EARTH LONG AGO. AND IF WE OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS GOD BLESSES US...ETC...WELL, I SEE SO MUCH BIBLICAL SCRIPTURE RAPIDLY UNFOLDING AND ALLLLLLLLLL THE DOTS ARE CONNECTING, ESPECIALLY THE END TIMES, IRAN AND ISRAEL, ETC..........FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE CONTEMPLATING WHETHER THE BIBLE IS REAL OR FICTION, THINK AGAIN, AND GET TO KNOW GOD, CUZ HE WANTS TO KNOW YOU, AFTER ALL YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ON THIS WEBSITE. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE AND THE EVENTS ARE BEFORE US...MY WISH IS FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T BELIEVE ASK JESUS TO COME INTO YOUR HEART, AND SHOW YOU THAT HE IS REAL, ASK AND HE SHALL ANSWER YOU. IF YOU WANT MORE INFORMATION ON BIBLICAL HISTORY WRITE ME: Moucie2spradlin@comcast.net
 
July 15, 2008
Votes: +0

Sophie said:

0
...
I find it insulting beyond comprehension that people who refuse to believe in something that thay have never been given any reason to believe in should become persecuted by the very people who preach forgivness. The idea that any 'non-believers' will perish in a world of fire and turmoil because they failed to embrace the notion of God or Jesus strikes me as very 'un-Christian', surely such a notion would usually be attributed to the satanists of the world? If that offends any Christians reading this i apologise, however i am tired of being treated like a sinner and being labelled a follower of Satan just because i chose to live my life without any religious beliefs. We are expected (and rightly so) to respect all religions however there doesnt seem to be any mutual respect for those who don't believe, instead we are faced with threats of the Great Tribulation; respect indeed.
 
March 16, 2009
Votes: +0

Andre Hendricks said:

0
The Rapture 2010? Watch The Video At PrepareTheBride.com
Greetings in the name of Yeshua,

It certainly seems that many are eagerly anticipating this great event - including myself! I've recently completed a video project spanning 3H45M covering this topic in great length, and in the light of recent discoveries, it seems 1 Thess. 5 is now true more than ever. (But ye brethren are not in darkness that this day should overtake you as a thief in the night"

It is true that no man knows the day or the hour, but when you understand that Jesus who was a Jew, spoke to a Jewish audience, and made a statement pertaining to Jewish customs when He said "no man know the day nor the hour", you'll understand that He was first of all relating to a Jewish Wedding and secondly a Jewish Feast Day, thus TELLING us the season in which to expect His return.

I have a short video clip on my site at http://www.preparethebride.com/ about
this, but in essence, Jesus was first of all referencing a Jewish Wedding Term.

Let me elaborate - In Jewish customs, the father (parents) arranges the marriage for the son. The son had to "go and prepare a place" for his bride and only when the father gave his approval to the prepared place, did the father release the son to "go get" his bride.

The problem is if they wanted to make any arrangements like the calendar, bookings, RSVP's etc. they had a problem as to the wedding date. When asking the young man when his wedding was, he would always reply - " only my father knows" because the father was the only one who knew the date he would release his son to go get his bride.

So this statement by Jesus was referring to HIS future wedding date that only His father knew off.
Second, the Jews celebrate a holy feast known as the Feast Of Trumpets - This is celebrated on the NEW MOON on the first day of the seventh month of Tishiri on the Jewish Calendar.
This feast is synonymous with the rapture event, and the very name of the feast says what it's all about - it's about the blowing of trumpets. Not only that - 1 Thess 4 vs 16-18 and 1 Cor 15:51-53 talks about a LAST TRUMP being blown and then describes the rapture event in the same passage.

In the Jewish Wedding Custom, when the bridegroom was ready to go get his bride, it was always announced with the blow of a trumpet - known as the last trump.

The first trump was blown after the bridegroom gave his bride a betrothal contract, and only if she accepted his proposition. The last trump was blown when she was "carried away" at night by her groom and his entourage, which also included 10 virgins which carried tall poles with oil lamps on top - that's where you get the parable of the 10 virgins from.

Incidentally while writing this comment, I just heard cars outside my home sounding their horns... because of a wedding being celebrated... (Wow...)

The horns/trumpet/ shofar is used to announce a wedding! Maybe you have the same custom (of blowing your cars horns) in your country, but it seems this not something knew!

To further explain the term no man knows the day or the hour - because the Feast Of Trumpets are celebrated on the NEW MOON, it means two witnesses had to go and and see when the first sliver of the moon would become visible.

Once they spotted the first little sliver of the moon, they knew it was time to start the feast. They would then make fires on the mountains to let all the Jews know to start observing the feast, but because the Jewish day starts at sunset, and because most people (just like we do) sleep at night, most Jews were not aware the feast had started until the next day.

That meant the feast could fall on either one or the other day of Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year). So this was literally a feast where NO MAN KNEW THE DAY OR THE HOUR when the feast would start.

So when Jesus was saying you won't know the day or the hour, He was identifying the exact Jewish Fest he would return on. The parable of the fig tree also captures the essence of knowing the season.

The word season in Hebrew is Mo-Ade and it means a divine appointment, as well a feast day.
So Jesus was saying you must know the divine appointment on the appointed feast (Lev 23)

Now it becomes clear why Paul said in 1 Thess 5 "but ye brethren are not in darkness that this day should overtake you as a thief in the night --- because you know the divine appointment and the feast!

When ever it says He comes as a thief in the night, look at who he is directing this statement and you'll find he is NOT talking to everyone. He is making that statement to those who are NOT watching.

Matt 25 is a classical example of this where we see the 5 wise virgins enter into the marriage supper of the lamb (the event after the rapture), and scripture says after they entered, the door was SHUT - Then the other 5 foolish

virgins came knocking and he then says to THEM (the foolish virgins) - watch YE therefore, for I will come upon YOU as a thief in the night if you do not watch.

He's not directing that statement to the wise - they were already inside -- he's talking to the foolish virgins. Jesus fulfilled ALL of the Spring Festivals of the Jews (Passover, Unleavened Bread, First Fruits and Pentecost) TO THE DAY and He'll fulfill ALL the FALL
festivals to the day, with the next feast to prophetically be fulfilled being the feast of trumpets!

This study is a lengthy but very interesting one, and we have captured some very surprising facts concerning the rapture in this 3H45 Min DVD at http://www.preparethebride.com/

I can't wait to kiss the feet my Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and just to tell how much I LOVE HIM and how much I appreciate what He has done on the cross of Calvary!

Now is the time to serve Him even more and to witness your socks off! and if you don't know Jesus, Boy do you ever wanna hurry to get your affairs in order!

God bless!

Andre Hendricks
 
May 28, 2010
Votes: +0

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