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Sat

25

Oct

2008

Why Bluff Martial Law?
Saturday, 25 October 2008 20:18
by Cocaine Harry
The author of this piece is an American Arab writer who prefers to remain anonymous.
We just witnessed a vice-presidential candidate reaching out to the inebriated constituency that marches under the banner of ‘Joe Six-Pack.’ I know every vote counts, but just how irresponsible is the McCain crowd?

What’s next? Should a candidate have to pass the ‘Budweiser Acid Test’ to get elected? Why didn’t Palin make a pitch to Cocaine Harry or give a shout-out to the unfortunate souls inflicted with reefer madness? Have we become a nation divided by our choice of intoxicants?

During his two terms in office, George Bush committed more than his share of abuse of power and impeachable crimes, but he never once promoted alcohol abuse. Even so, some medical experts blame his abysmal performance as commander in chief on his legendary drinking binges as a young man.

That’s the lesson we should be teaching our children. Binge drinking at a young age can lead to disastrous foreign adventures in Iraq and an epidemic of economic crimes by unregulated Wall Street crooks. Even after detoxification, drug abuse has lasting effects on an individual’s judgment. In Bush’s case, the national debt ballooned to $11 trillion dollars and we lost three million manufacturing jobs. The dollar shrank by 40% and we’re running up 700 billion dollars in annual trade deficits.

So, let me challenge the Governor of Alaska to pour a six-pack into a pitcher. A word of caution is in order. Have a mop ready because you’re going to need it. There’s an awful lot of beer in six cans. If Joe develops a taste for glitzy super-sized Japanese beer – six of those will land you in a detox unit.

Of course, Palin’s six-pack crowd is too patriotic to abuse foreign made alcohol. I have news for them. Every sip of Budweiser adds to our trade deficit, now running at two billion dollars a day. If you haven’t heard, the Belgians own Bud and Joe might be banking with the Chinese who own ten percent of Morgan Stanley.

If Citizen Joe must drink, Palin should have encouraged him to share his six-pack with a fellow patriot. But I didn’t hear that in her speech. I didn’t hear Palin talking about making sacrifices and ‘Sharing American Spirits.’

Make no mistake, the governor of Alaska was targeting a specific demographic – the guys who drink alone at the end of the bar – the industrial alcoholics of America who cash their pay-check at a favorite drinking hole - the scoundrels who’ve soaked up their last dime and can’t tip the bartender or make their child support payments. If they’re tipsy enough, they might tip the vote. That would be the supreme irony – because Sarah Palin doesn’t drink.

What about all the winos out there? What exactly is the difference between those who binge on beer and those who prefer fortified wine? Both demographics vote their fears, their alienation and their darkest hallucinations.

If the Governor of Alaska wants to round up the inebriated vote – she should reach out to the Cindy McCains of the world. The senator’s wife suffered her addiction alone because no one – not even her husband - paid attention to the dark existential struggles that can shatter the soul of even the most privileged among us.

I can’t imagine that there are more than a few voters out there who feel comfortable sharing a needle with Sarah Palin. But let’s admit it, there’s something very enticing about the vision of boozing it up with a caribou hunter like Sarah.

Regardless of your preference for drinking buddies, is that a sensible criterion for choosing a candidate – one who will be a heart-beat away from assuming the leadership of the free world?

There’s another thing that irks me about Palin’s appeal to Joe six-pack – it was divisive. It was a calculated attempt to pit us against each another. It’s us versus them - Joe six-pack against Cocaine Harry. Elitist chardonnay-sipping left coasters are not welcome to this party.

With Palin and McCain, we will get more of the same – beer and only beer. No champagne for the masses. Sarah Palin promise an administration that will keep our pill poppers in the closet and ignore the hockey moms with martini flasks secreted away in a private space for those special moments some of us call lunch.

Say it ain’t so ‘Six-Pack’ Joe. If you manage to sober up by the election, remember your wino brothers. Show a little compassion for cocaine Harry – who started his drug-infested journey sharing a bottle of Thunderbird with a high school chum. Before you head for the polling station, look in the mirror and admit you don’t want an inebriated fellow traveler anywhere close to the White House.

Say it ain’t so Joe Six-Pack. Take a good look around. Are you too stupefied to see the fix we’re in? Your country is calling on. Sober up on Election Day and vote for somebody who doesn’t encourage others to drink like you. If you can’t stay sober all day, consider postponing Miller Time until the poll stations close. But if you can’t resist having a beer with your breakfast, don’t vote. Drink a dozen Japanese beers as a sign of international solidarity and stay home. Friends don’t let friends vote drunk.

This article was approved by Cocaine Harry.
 
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chas holman said:

0
I didn't like it then, I dont like it now.
How soon we forget. Joe Sixpack used to be Clintons (Bill) favorite saying, and now like everything Palin does, she lifted her material from someone lese and employs it as here own.

I didn't like the phrase Joe Sixpack when Clinton used it, and I like it even les when Palin parrots it.

If this is what they think of me, of us, they can kiss my (censored expletive)

http://soundclick.com/333maxwell
 
October 25, 2008
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