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Thu

25

Jan

2007

My Fractured SOTU Tale
Thursday, 25 January 2007 09:23
by Stephen P. Pizzo

Remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon show? One of my favorite features was “Fractured Fairy Tales.”

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Which I guess is why as I listened to President Bush's State of the Union speech last night, my brain registered something completely different. I know what he actually said, but here's what I heard last night:

Thank you, Madam Speaker. (Looking around the room...) And may I just say, I love what you've done with the place! Did you bring a covey of interior decorators in from your home town, San Francisco? Heh, heh, heh.... (Snarky smile, head bobbing.)

And thank you, members of the House and Senate, for that warm welcome. You know, I don't hear a lot of applause or cheering these days. The thing I like best about these annual addresses is that it forces Democrats to applaud me on camera – heh, heh, heh. (Pointing to Ted Kennedy gives him a thumbs up...snarky smirk.)


I am happy to report tonight that the state of our union is strong. (Long pause...looking around room waiting for applause but no one claps.)

Hey, tough crowd.. heh, heh, heh. Didn't you guys get advance copies of this speech with the applause lines in yellow marker? You better have or there'll be no fruit cup for Karl tonight... heh, heh, heh.

I know many of you want me talk about Iraq. Well, what do you expect me say? The damn place is mess — as though that's my fault or something. No, it's not. It's their fault, the Iraqis – the little ingrates. God – the real one – told me to free the Iraqis from that tyrant, Saddam. And I did.

Then what did they do with their new freedom but to stir up a religious war – and not the good kind, either.

This is an Islamic war — Sunni v. Shia. I read up on whole con—trooo—ver— seeee. Read about it last weekend at Camp David. See when the false prophet, Mohammad, died, the cult he began split between those who wanted one of his decendants to replace him and those who wanted some unrelated guy.

So right there anyone can see that both sides in that fight were dead wrong. I mean when the real prophet, Jesus Christ, died did anyone to replace him? No way. Jesus was the real deal, the son of God ... a hard act to follow — unlike that poser, Mohammad.

It all started in 692 AD, and the Sunni and Shia have been at one another's throats ever since. So, how can the mess in Iraq be my fault? I tried to help them and they turned on me like a pagan horde.

That's why I decided to give the Iraqis one more chance by sending 22,000 more other American's sons and daughters over there. And, if they kill too many of them, well, I just might not send any more.

But those who say we failed in Iraq are wrong. We succeeded. We gave the Iraqis democracy. Remember those purple fingers? Tried to fix them up with Diebold machines, but the programmers refused to go to Iraq. So we went with the purple-finger thing instead. Turned out it was better photo-op anyway. That was a good decision. Because, you see, people un.....deeeeer...stand when I remind them about those pictures of ordinary Iraqis holding up their purple fingers after voting. Sure many of them are dead now. But they died free, and we should be proud of that.

Now I want to talk about domestic policy, because I have a couple of ideas that will, hopefully, get your minds off Iraq.

I keep hearing about the 47 million Americans that can't afford health insurance. Well, I have a plan for that too.We could just give them health insurance, but that would be wrong. Like the old saying goes; you can give a man a fish and feed him for a day, or you can teach him how to shop. I prefer to teach them the uninsured how to shop. Under my plan, if a working person or family is too poor to afford health insurance I'm going to give them a tax break for buying health insurance anyway.

I know a lot of you out there – (shooting a glance at Democrats) believe what the uninsured really need is affordable health insurance. But, I have to think of everyone, not just the uninsured. There's an entire financial food-chain out there that depends on the ability to milk Americans dry on all things medical. Those people have rights too, you know. Their entire business model is built on their ability to tell Americans in need of medical care, “your money or your life.” There's the health insurance companies, pharmaceutical firms, HMO's and their executives to consider as well. They have mansion payments too, after all.

All I am proposing is to give the working poor the same thing I gave the wealthy earlier in my administration – tax cuts. Under my plan a working individual would get a tax credit up to $7500 for buying their own health insurance. A person earning $32,500 a year could save as much as $1150 in taxes each year under my plan.

Of course the naysayers – and they are always with us – (glaring down at the Democrats) – will belittle my plan. They will point out that it's unlikely a person earning so little could shell out nearly a third of their gross income to some health insurance company in return for a paltry $1150 tax cut.

I say that it's precisely such negative thinking – coupled with the growing demand for a universal health care system — that makes health care companies and their shareholders nervous. It injects uncertainty into health care markets. And that's bad for our health care industries, bad for Wall Street and bad for America. (Republicans — all covered by federally provided health care — jump to their feet and applaud.)

My plan is also a way to inject balance in my tax policies. Earlier I gave the wealthiest Americans nearly $2 trillion in tax breaks, which has greatly enhanced their financial health. Now I want to give America's working poor their own tax break. This tax break, unlike those I granted the wealthy which required they do nothing, will required the working poor to pay hefty health care premiums – ironically to the same companies and CEO's who already enjoying tax relief. They will then enjoy even more tax relief, while the working poor get to enjoy the feeling of ahving a medical insurance card in their wallets. So, you see, my health reform plan is a win/win. Because, if this administration stands for anything it's for winners and against losers. (Glaring at Democrats)

Okay, so that's that on the insurance thing. Now I have another important idea to announce, this one on domestic energy policy.

Earlier in my administration we passed an energy policy that rewarded oil companies for doing what they would have done anyway — drill, pump, refine and gouge. That policy has succeed. America's energy companies are stronger today and their profits are at record levels. Of course energy prices have gone up as well, but whose fault is that? Oil companies? No, no it's not. Oil companies have done their part. But we have not done our part. (Glaring down at Democrats again.) We refused to let them pump that lake of oil just sitting there under frozen wasteland up in Alaska. And why? Because sooommme of you (looking down at Democrats) believe polar bears and caribou have more rights than SUV-moms.

But okay, that's oil under the bridge. Tonight I am prepared to reach across the aisle in a bipartisan way. As you all know, I have my doubts about all this Al Gore-stirred up "global warming,” stuff. But, now that grandstanding Al's movie has gotten so many American voters all misty-eyed over drowning polar bears and fretting over rising oceans, I'm ready to give a little, though I still have my doubts. After all, where in the Bible can you find any reference to global warming? Nowhere, that's where. (His head bobs up and down as he looks around the room.) If global warming is such a threat to God's creation, don't you think He would have had something to say about it?

Nevertheless, I'm President of all the people, even the stupid ones. So I have to respond, not so much to save polar bears, but to save Republicans up for re-election in two years. Because, you see, America is a de—mock—ra-seeeeee. And in a de—mock-ra-seeee.... (pause).. people have the right to be wrong.

So I am proposing we say we are going to try to cut our use of gasoline by 20% over the next ten years.

I know that some among you – (looking towards Democrats) – will say that we could have done that, and a lot more, years ago had I just supported higher milage standards on cars and trucks and SUVs. And they will complain that we would be far further along the road to energy independence had I not cut $100 million from alternative energy research and development, after saying I supported the program. Well I was for it .. until I was against it.

But I understand. In this town everyone's a critic, heh, heh, heh. Still, I'm the President. In other words I'm the deeee—ciiii— der. And I've decided now is the right time to say I'm for cutting gasoline consumption by 20% over ten years.

The way we're going to do that is not to impose much higher mileage standards because tauto companies don't like it when we do that. No, instead of burning Middle East oil we will burn more American grown fiber, particularly corn, by turning the stuff into ethanol. America's energy companies are already teaming up with America's agri-business to figure out how to create another win/win situation.

I was going to call this my “Food for Fuel” program, but Karl reminded me that sounded too much like that UN's crooked “Food for Oil” program. He also said it would give Democrats an opening to complain that burning food in our cars and trucks would only hurt the poor by raising the price of food, like corn tortillas, milk, cheese and meat. More neg—aaaah—tivity.

I come here tonight brimming over with bipartisan spirit. I am reaching across the aisle. But it's just that kind of negative thinking by the opposition party that has made it so difficult for me to solve America's growing energy crisis.

What those critics don't seem to understand is there is a method here... a long range plan that requires we stay the course. Here's how it will play out, if they give it the time it needs to succeed. When food is plentiful people, particularly poor people, have more children. Those children grow up to drive cars that burn fuel. By taking some of America's food out of circulation by burning it our cars and trucks, we slow population growth and in turn lower future energy demand. Another win/win for America.

I would like close tonight by introducing three genuine American heroes. While their acts of heroism had nothing whatsoever to do with my policies, I would like to shine by association. So, whata we have tonight?

First we have a grossly over-paid basketball player, who used some of his money to build a hospital in his home village in Africa. Stand up there my man and take a bow. Whoa! Look at the size of that guy.! Someone's getting more than his share of corn. Heh, heh, heh.

And we have a woman who got rich selling her start-up to a bigger company for millions. Just ask that little lady how she feels about my tax cut policies! Heh, heh, heh.

Finally we have the guy who threw himself under a train to save a guy he didn't even know. Boy, could I use a guy like you on my staff right now!.Heh, heh, heh.

That's it. I've only got two more years and one more of these damn speeches to give before I can go back to not giving a shit.

Until then, thank you and God help America.
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a guest said:

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Satire saves us from the madness. Well done! Oh, yes, God Damn America!
 
January 25, 2007
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