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Sun

25

Oct

2009

The Real Pandemic
Sunday, 25 October 2009 18:29
by Tom Chartier

If I make any more typos, spelling errors or grammatical faux pas please excuse me. As I rule I stick in at least a couple to see who’s paying attention. However as far as this story is concerned… well… what can I say? I am diseased! Yes Dear Readers I have what is officially referred to as H1N1… Swine Flu.

Well, at least I think I have it. Maybe it’s just a broken heart. Nevertheless, between the cold chills and sweats, I feel a rush of optimism! Finally with nearly every State in the Union showing red flags of The Plague, Bro Bama has declared a National Emergency. Goodie, goodie. After to get your head out of that bucket and take some more Tamiflu you’ll feel so much better knowing that too.

Hey, I agree. Swine Flu ain’t no picnic and none of us are suppose to enter fever induce delirium until the official flu season starts in… oh I don’t know… “Winter.” But is this really the most serious nasty infectious disease running rampant and ruining this great country of ours? Here we are sicker than dogs that ate something unmentionable… and it’s only October. Man, that sure put the kibosh on any Oktoberfest celebrations. At least those that create self-induced flu symptoms and pain.

Friends, there is a scourge upon the land even Ingmar Bergman’s Deathis afraid of. It is a secret hidden from us all and yet blatantly displayed in public.

Excuse me for a moment. The Little Man Pulling the CartGood Humor Man… and yelling out (over the same PA): “Bring Out Your Dead” is here. My dear friend Professor Ardipithecushas succumbed and needs to be… uh… processed.

Okay where was I? Oh yeah… the real plague. It’s called: Rabid Monkey Delusional Dysfunction… RMDD. Never heard of it? Of course not! Those poor suffering souls… and I use the term “souls” loosely as you will soon learn why… infected with RMDD would never admit to such a thing or seek medical attention. They might as well wear a placard with the wording: “UNCLEAN!” And that my friends would be bad for business and ruin their careers.

I am talking about the minions of those victimized by “elected office,” political advisors, high-ranking movers and shakers and military “experts.” Oh yes, the vast majority of Americans who decide best how to waste your tax dollars, which third world country to invade and destroy, who to hire to sniff your underwear at the airport and which Mega Bank is “too big too fail” (but we’re not!) are all infected with Rabid Monkey Delusional Disorder.


Yes our leaders are all carrying the Mark of RMDD. You can see it on their faces and hear it in their words. There is no known cure… well they could be cured in the same way mad cows are cured or horses with broken femurs… but I do not condone such actions. Take pity on the infirm. Let’s hold a benefit concert and get some aged has been rockers to perform. How about Bruuuuuuuuuuce!

There is, however, a well documented cause. And let me tell you Dear Readers, if you are a worthless peon like me, you are not at risk!

>So what, pray tell, causes the dreaded RMDD? Does one have to be bitten? Not at all. One only has to be “elected” or one has to weasel through the ranks and gain a position of influence and authority. The higher one goes, the greater the risk. Eventually one reaches a lofty position that assures infection of RMDD. In fact… absurd as this may seem… within the highest levels of the Great Halls, RMDD infection is a requirement!

Surely he’s mad you say! Moi? Heck no! I’m as immune as I am meaningless. However, let me ask you this question to bolster my case. When was the last time you saw a U.S. President speak without pontificating as if he were Caesar? Drawing a blank? Thought so. Me too.

There you go. Caesarian proclamations are a sure sign of infection. Delusions of grandeur are one of the most pronounced symptoms of RMDD. I mean it isn’t called: “Rabid Monkey Delusional Disorder” for nothing… and disorder is what it is.

Oh what other symptoms of RMDD are there? Well rampant paranoia is a given. Everybody and their uncle are forming a terrorist cell, which is a lethal threat to the U.S. of A. Yeah right. Like some guys in a cave can take over North America, or some bankrupt country with a pompous ass is a threat to “democracy” and has WMDs… well they must have been somewhere! They were… in the heads of the victims of RMDD… Bush, Cheney… Obama… Nixon… LBJ… the list goes on and on and on. How about this? Some tribal leaders with minimal education and finances who posses nothing but a deep faith in their religion and want the US out of their backwards mountain country are… oh why bother? You get the idea.

I could go on and on. But you do not suffer from Rabid Monkey Delusional Disorder. You have the flu. It’s no fun but for the vast majority of us, it will… uh… pass. Pity the victims of RMDD in Washington and the Pentagon. They have no cure and face the Little Man Pulling the Cart… their souls lost forever.
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