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Thu

28

Jan

2010

President O’Bomber Denies CIA Not Connecting Dots On Terrorist Plans
Thursday, 28 January 2010 06:33
by Lawrence Velvel (Satire)

In an exclusive interview, President Barack O’Bomber said it was not true “that our (CIA) analysts were not connecting the dots” that might have stopped Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab’s attempt to blow up Northwest Flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit Christmas day.

“There were 200 of them(agents) in Langley connecting the dots in the little books we give them. They were coloring in the pictures too after they connected the dots,” the president told this reporter.

O’Bomber said he received a phone call from ex-Vice President Dick Cheney saying the only way to stop terrorists is to stop people from flying, forcing terrorists to have to blow up planes on the ground, where nobody will get hurt. Cheney told O’Bomber that nobody ever heard of an airplane falling out of the ground, so people will be safe.

“Cheney suggested to me that we give all people who want to be terrorists the key to the big parking lot in the Arizona desert where all the thousands of airplanes not currently in use are kept,” O’Bomber said.

“This would enable the terrorists to blow up all the airplanes they want, with nobody being hurt. As a side benefit, we would find out who the terrorists are because they would have to apply for keys to the parking lot, and we could also track them on the parking lot to find out what particular type of plane each likes to blow up,” the president added.
 

He said CIA failed to stop the Christmas day bombing attempt because it was not “believable that a Nigerian banker would turn in his own son. So the analysts were certain that his coming to the embassy to tell it he feared his son had become a terrorist was an obvious ruse designed to throw us off the track.”

O’Bomber went on to say U.S. intelligence lists did indicate someone was scheduled to fly on Flight 253 named Abdulmetallab, with an “e” instead of a “u.” “One analyst…thought it was odd that a metal laboratory was getting on an airplane, but his colleagues made sport of him, saying that this was of course impossible.”

In other news, O’Bomber denied that a woman wearing an Arab headscarf was removed from her seat on a podium behind O’Bomber’s pulpit because her scarf would have been seen on television. “The real and only reason she was removed was that she kept screaming, ‘You tell ‘em, Hussein. You tell ‘em, Hussein.’ Hussein’s my middle name, you know. That’s why Cheney thinks I was born in Kazakhstan. Whether or not she would have been seen on television, her slogan would certainly have been heard on television, and that is why she was removed.”

Asked what he was doing to shore up the nation’s anti-terror defenses, O’Bomber replied, “First, we are buying our analysts many more books in which to connect the dots and color in the pictures.” Second, O’Bomber said he was going “to steal an idea from our enemies.”

He explained: “My top terrorism adviser, John Brennan, has said we did not realize Al Qaeda was already ‘launching individuals” against the United States. Hell, I didn’t even know they were going to launch people. I thought you only launch rockets. But we’re going to steal this idea from Al Qaeda and launch people against it. We haven’t figured out yet whether to launch them from Predators, in which case they would have to be drones. But that’s no problem because the government is filled with them.”

O’Bomber said he called his predecessor George W. Bush for advice and was told, “I’ve learned that people hate my guts and think I’m stupid. But you are following the same policies I did with regard to war and the economy, so you are helping rehabilitate my name in history.”

(Lawrence Velvel is co-founder and dean of the Massachusetts School of Law at Andover, a law school purposefully dedicated to helping students from minority, immigrant, and low-income backgrounds to obtain a rigorous, affordable legal education. This article first appeared on VelvelOnNationalAffairs and may be found as a podcast at www.lrvelvel.libsyn.com. Further information Sherwood Ross, Ross Associates, at sherwoodross10@gmail.com)

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