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Tue

17

Apr

2007

Dear Dubya, I Found You a War Czar!
Tuesday, 17 April 2007 12:52
by Tom Chartier

Dude! Long time no speak. Guess you’ve been kind of busy listening in on 300 million Americans’ telephone calls and reading all their electronic messages and practicing your whistle blowing for the White House Easter wing-ding.

There’s been talk that The Surge seems to be the stupidest idea you’ve had since you decided to run for President.

Some pointy-heads in England have just issued a report stating that you and Tony’s Iraq invasion has "spawned new terror in the region,” and that "treating Iraq as part of the war on terror... created a combat training zone for jihadists."

Worst of all you’ve only just figured out that as Leader of the Free World and Commander in Chief you suck. Where you been boy? Wally World?

So now as Decider you’ve decided to delegate the blame… ‘scuse me… I mean responsibility for Iraq to a new post: War Czar!

Smokin’! You’ve finally made a decision of which I approve.

Seems that “pragmatists looking for a way out” continue to be blocked by Dead Eye.

The Washington Post reports that the last person to hold “the top national security council job on Iraq and Afghanistan” just quit.  Why? Probably because that person “was responsible for policy but had no power to implement it.”  Now this new Czar would be in a different place.  They’d “have the power to issue orders, and would be answerable directly to the president and his national security adviser, Stephen Hadley.”

But what’s this? Nobody wants the job? Well, you are one hard act to follow. To date you’ve had three four star generals pass up this golden opportunity… including Army General Jack Keane, the architect of the Surge.  Well, he’s a tad miffed ‘cause you came up short in the cannon fodder department.

Former NATO Commander and retired Marine Gen. John J. Sheehan had this to say about the job: “The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going…” Gee… ya think so?

And, what’s this?  The Washington Post writes that should the Administration fail to “find a person suited for the sort of specially empowered office they envision, they said, they may have to retain the current structure.” Say it isn’t true!

Bro, you are stuck up (vernacular repulsive to gentle reader) Tigris without a helicopter escort!

Well, like always… I’m here to hand you a beer and to help. (Sorry. They don’t make Billy Beer anymore.)

Fear not oh Incompetent One! I have found you a War Czar!

I’ll do it!

That’s right, me. Without a flak jacket, I will venture forth into the valley of subpoenas, a.k.a. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.  I am not going to be intimidated by that fat old fart who drinks and shoots at the same time.

Hey, do you think after 26 years of playing punk rock in The Rotters that the White House Situation Room scares me? Heck no!

I’ll get El Pero Loco, the foremost Luchador in Los Angeles, to “explain” things to those who are slow on the uptake.

Either you’re with me or against me.  And if you’re smart, you’ll do it my way.

So… gimme the job!

I wanna be the War Czar! I want the “tasking authority.” I’ll task, you betcha I’ll task. I’ll task the troops right home pronto where they belong.

I’ll task all aspiring candidates for the GOP nomination to confine their campaigning to the 50 U.S. states and to stop strutting through markets in Baghdad.  What’s with McCain? Is he really that stupid? Has he mistaken Iraq for Iowa?  Does he think Baghdad is the capital of New Hampshire? If that’s how he canvasses for votes, he’d do better opening a funeral parlor.

I’ll task Bob Gates’ catch-22 decision to up the length of tours for U.S. Army troops from 12 months to 15. What is Gates going to tell them? “Sorry son, you have to stay another three months. But it’s only ‘temporary.’ We’ll make it up to you later… I promise.” Does Gates think the troops are brain dead… already?

How about NO months in Iraq?! Bob and I might butt heads on this little item. But it won’t matter. I’ll be the War Czar!

Besides, I’m a reasonable man. The Commander in Chief wants more American troops for his surge? He’ll get them.  I’ll task Billy Kristol, John Bolton, Douglas Feith, Alberto Gonzales, Richard Perle, Paul Wolfowitz, Donald Rumsfeld, Tom DeLay, Rush Limbaugh and any other neocon dweebs and their Bush Republican supporters with back-to-back, fifteen-month tours in sunny downtown Tal Afar.

Old Buddy, to broaden their minds, it might be a good idea to task your two daughters, Jenna and Barbara, to a year of foreign study in oh… let’s say… Anbar Province. Then maybe Senator Jim Webb won’t be so rude to you at social gatherings.

I'll task those tight-fisted legislators to hand over the money I need for the victory in Iraq.  I’ll get your old pals Jack Abramoff and Randy “Duke” Cunningham to teach me how to cook the books.

I’ll task Halliburton and Custer Battles to stay in Iraq. They’re the ones who wanted to go in the first place. Leave ‘em there I say. They deserve everything that’s coming to them.

Unless I become a subject of a Congressional investigation, I know I’ll get fired after a month or two. Fine with me. If I can get just one American soldier home safely, associating with the pond scum of your Administration will have been worth it.

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
 
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