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by Mickey Z.

The twin specters of racism and sexism have plagued mankind, uh, humanity since caveman, uh, caveperson days. Just when we thought we might have to endure another forty or fifty thousand years of patriarchal white supremacy, along comes the visionaries our planet has yearned for: Russell Simmons and Benjamin Chavis.

Leaders of the influential Hip-Hop Summit Action Network, Simmons and Chavis have put forth a solution so simple even a cracker, oops, an uneducated white person might understand it. If a word offends you or anyone you know, ban it. (Man, why didn't Malcolm X and Gloria Steinem think of that?) In particular, our hip-hop heroes are targeting three specific words. I'll write them now before they're outlawed: bitch, ho, and nigger (a.k.a. the N-Word). Go ahead, beyotches, yell 'em long and loud now because if society follows the sage advice of Messrs. Simmons and Chavis, the next "ho" out of your mouth might get you a taste of the Don Imus treatment.

"These three words should be considered with the same objections to obscenity as 'extreme curse words,' " say Simmons and Chavis but, in fairness, these two philosophers can't take all the credit. The New York City Council, in its infinite wisdom, recently conjured up a plan to end racism as we know it: ban niggers. I mean: ban "nigger." (My bad.) What better way for elected officials to spread democracy than to forbid the use of certain words? "Our internal discussions with industry leaders are not about censorship," Simmons and Chavis assure us.

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