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Sun

17

Jun

2007

I Was Wrong!
Sunday, 17 June 2007 16:57
by Tom Chartier

“The vices of mankind are active and able ministers of depopulation.”

Even the worthy Homer sometimes nods. My thinking has been all kattywhompus. Go to my archives and delete everything! Well… maybe you should keep that story about being a bum since unlike everything else it’s not a victim of perception management.

I’m so ashamed. I have ridiculed our Beloved Decider. All along I believed him to be a retarded cowboy bent on toppling governments, bankrupting America, shredding the Constitution and starting a world conflagration.

Ok… well… maybe all that is true. But it’s also pure genius!

What exactly is the biggest threat Spaceship Earth faces right now? Is it terrorism? Balderdash! A few suicide bombers here and there aren’t going to make any difference. Is it the depletion of resources? Bovine chips! Why fret over the inevitable? Oil is becoming passé. Who needs water? Let them drink Red Bull. Is it global warming? In a pig’s eye! Nobody gave a rat’s ass about baby Harp seals so who’s going to worry about penguins and polar bears? Besides, don’t you think the residents of Alaska and Siberia could use a summer vacation? Venus had a global warming without people but on that happy planet the condition is called the “runaway greenhouse effect.” Venus is still there and it has peace and goodwill toward all Venusians.

Is the problem war? Fiddlesticks! If war is so bad, why has it been the number one X-treme sport for thousands of years? It has to be in the top ten of human pleasures right along with excessive drinking and… well… uh… “breeding.”

And that my friends is the problem. There are simply way, way too many people.

I can prove it. Have you ever been to “the Happiest Place on Earth?” No! I’m not talking about Baghdad or Gaza. I mean Disneyland even though it is located in the most depressed country on Earth. So, when you were visiting Mickey did you enjoy those hour-long waits for two-minute rides? Of course you didn’t. The place should really be called: “Tediumland.”

Is your commute a barrel of monkeys? Didn’t think so. Let me guess, you sit in your car all alone creeping along following another poor schmuck for two hours. Can’t they do something about all this traffic? Get a horse! Just don’t forget to charge up your iPod.

Usher in the era of “resource wars.” The theory behind which, writes Stephen Lendman, not only gives America the rights to rather a lot of loot on the planet but also: “gives us the right to use overwhelming force against any nation challenging our dominance with all present and future weapons in our arsenal including powerful nuclear ones.” Mini Me will go mental when he hears this!

That’s fine and dandy but all this scrambling around for nature’s booty won’t cut the mustard. Too inefficient. My guess is that the U.S.will burn up the last of its resources trying to plunder the resources of some other country.

So, what to do about over-population? Well folks, I don’t want to alarm you but… it’s time to cull the herd.

And this is where the Big Neocon Master Plan is so brilliant. It’s not about U.S. hegemony or oil revenues or democracy or terrorism or security or Little Bush getting to sit in the big chair. No! It’s all about reducing the surplus population.

Let’s see, how many homo sapiens inhabit the earth today? 6.6 billion. Aye carumba! That’s way too many to fit into a VW!

And what’s this? There were only about 3 billion in 1960? That’s a Runaway Species Effect! And you thought locusts were a nuisance.

How can we slow down human population growth? Maybe we can’t. But Mother Nature might step in with a few tricks up her sleeve and catch humanity with its pants down.

Traditionally, plagues did a pretty good job of thinning out populations of pests. But, well… Bird Flu hasn’t delivered… yet. The Black Death is no longer in vogue since humans have ceased to lie down with rodents because they get up with fleas… except in the District of Columbia where happiness is a well-fed flea on a warm rat. To be sure, the new garbage collection regs in the UK look very promising. Ebola? May have capacity as no cure has yet been found, but for now there’s not enough monkeys that bite running loose. How about Malaria and Dengue Fever? Good idea but not all that practical in the Temperate Zones. Anthrax? Consumption? The heartbreak of Psoriasis?

Oh let’s face it mankind has just made too many medical advances for disease or pestilence to fulfill their Biblical roles. Assisted suicide and other death wishes are bogged down in bureaucratic red tape.

We’re just going to have to think outside the box. And that means The Mother of All Wars! I’m not talking about some piddling little WW II adventure or a pusillanimous war on… war on… uh, whoever the bad guys are supposed to be in Iraq this week. I’m talking the big Nucular Armageddon! Yee ha! Ride ‘em cowboy!

Forget about Iraq. It’s a good warm up disaster. But there has not been significant herd depletion going on over there. Oh sure, in October 2006, the Johns Hopkins study published in The Lancet placed the civilian death toll at 655,000. That was almost a year ago.

Given the number of disappearing Iraqi police, by now the body count must be closer to one million. Remember, The Surge is working! Still, one million is a drop in the bucket of humanity. I mean, so what? Now the world has only 6.599 billion people? Statistically that’s equivalent to a big fat zero reduction! Surely mankind can do better than that!

Fortunately, the neoconservative masterminds have Iran to fall back on. Now we’re talkin’! Nuke Iran for Israel! That should get the chain reaction started.

This will be good for the uranium business since “the club,” Russia, China, India, Pakistan, France, Britain, North Korea, the United States, and, fanfare of trumpets, the debutante of the club, Israel (they’re so coy) will want to get in on all the fun.

With landfill space in short supply and the advent of strict controls on garbage, governments are wondering what to do with all the aging nuclear warheads piling up. The spent rods are trouble enough.

No one of my acquaintance has checked off “vintage nuclear device” on the Amazon.com wish list. And there I thought I had found the perfect thing: a gift that keeps on giving… and giving… and giving…

I asked my accountant: You can’t get a tax write off for donating those old, worn out warheads to your favorite charity. (Shucks: The widows, orphans and cats’ home will be so disappointed.)

Still, we need to get rid of those geriatric nukes somehow.

Dump them on eBay? Too much of a hassle. By Jove, let’s shoot ‘em off!

Of course the United States can expect to share in the culling with some Red Blowback from Vladimir Vladimirovich. It’s only fair. To quote General “Buck” Turgidson from Dr. Strangelove: “I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh depending on the breaks.”

Well, I’m an optimist. I like to believe our hair would be mussed more to the tune of 90 to 100 million killed in America alone. One hundred million Americans killed would still only cut the U.S. population down by one third from about 300 million to 200 million.

So… I guess that means the wait at Disneyland to get on Space Mountain will be reduced from one hour to only forty minutes. Hm… it still seems like a rip off to me, but it is an improvement.

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
 
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