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Sun

17

Jun

2007

Scorn us now all gay apparel
Sunday, 17 June 2007 17:20
by Ed Naha

At the last Republican debate, moderator Wolf Blitzer asked the slices of white bread assembled on stage for a show of hands: Who would be in favor of openly gay soldiers serving in the U.S. military? Not one hand went up.

So much for compassionate conservatives.

What is it with conservative Republicans and gays? I suppose you could say their reaction is based on fear, ignorance, dat ol’ time religion and their desperate attempts to keep their political careers intact. Whatever their reasoning, these gung-ho support the troops guys are actually hurting the military.

Since the somewhat addled “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” mandate was passed in ’93, more than 58 Arabic linguists have been given the old heave-ho by the government. 11,000 more of our military, many in high-skill, critical jobs have also been told “don’t let the beaded curtains hit you on the way out.”

Is it any wonder that our Armed Services are lowering admittance standards just to get boots on the ground? I mean, we’re deep-sixing a lot of really smart people because of their sexual orientation. Who needs a soldier who can speak one of the Arabic tongues when we can scoop up a couple of hundred new recruits who speak Pig Latin or are good at gang signals?

How absurd is all this? Professional homophobe Paul Cameron, on The Daily Show, told Jason Jones: “Guys don’t want to think about other guys, other fellas, ogling them in the shower or whatever.”

Pushing that train of logic further, Jones replied: “I know I’d rather die in a terrorist attack than suffer through an uncomfortable shower with a gay.”

Not quite getting the sarcasm, Cameron replied: “Yes.”

Excuse me while I allow my head to explode.

This somewhat skewered view of the gay population actually made it into the Pentagon, which, back in ’94 and, again, in 2001, wanted to develop a “gay bomb.” Edward Hammond, of Berkeley’s Sunshine Project discovered through a Freedom of Information Act request, that the Air Force’s Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio asked for $7.5 million dollars to develop this non-lethal but too-sexy-for-its-shell weapon. Said a report: “One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior.”

Said Hammond: “The Ohio Air Force lab proposed that a bomb be developed that contained a chemical that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another.

“The notion was that a chemical that would probably be pleasant in the human body in low quantities could be identified, and by virtue of either breathing or having their skin exposed to this chemical, the notion was that soldiers would become gay.”

And, so, the battlefield would collapse into chaos, with manly man love and hot girl on girl action stretching for miles. (Or, as Rick Santorum has worried, it might even sink to “man on dog” action. “Lassie? Where’s Timmy? Oh, never mind. Sorry, girl. It’s that danged Air Force gas.”)

Clearly, our government’s best minds are still reading Bazooka Joe comics and laughing out loud at the word “pee-pee.”

Just as clearly, they just KNOW that gays are horny 24/7 and will even go after glazed doughnuts if desperate enough while we heteros prefer watching re-runs of “Saved By the Bell.”

Among the other mind-numbing non-lethal weapons proposed by the shallow end of our governmental talent pool?

Attack bees! After the U.S. hides numerous beehives in the combat area, enemy troops would be sprayed with bee pheromones. The bees would be attracted to the smell and envelope the enemy. Talk about a sting operation.

Yet another similar plan would attract voracious rats. I’m assuming the enemy troops would be covered with garbage shipped in from Staten Island.

Another bomb would cause “severe and lasting halitosis.” While that wouldn’t exactly stop the enemy troops in their tracks, it would curtail their dating.

Probably the best from these brightest was the “Who? Me?” bomb developed, on and off, since 1945. Based on the old adage “He who smelt it, dealt it,” it would simulate mass flatulence in the enemy ranks. (Operation: Whoopee Cushion.) The government put the kibosh on this one because “people in many areas of the world do not find fecal odor offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis.” In short, this bomb wouldn’t work in D.C.

To my gay bretheren out there, it’s obvious that there’s no way you’re going to sway these bigots morally, spiritually or intellectually. All you can do is make them seem more primitive than they already do themselves.

I have a suggestion. It’s risky, though. From this day forward may all gay people, organizations and newspapers banish the word “gay” from their lexicon. Done. Finito. After nearly forty years, it’s clear that the adjective just isn’t working. Replace “gay” with “happy” and watch ‘em all squirm.

What stalwart, thrice-divorced Republican politician is going to come out against a bill allowing “happy marriages?”

What warmonger will deny “openly happy” soldiers the right to serve our country?

Plus, think of the fun at birthday time when all the right-wingers are forced to sing “Happy Birthday” to their kids or grandkids? Sure, they could change the words to something along the lines of “A very splendid birthday to you.” But, that would sound so…gay.

Same deal with the word “queer.” One of its synonyms is “remarkable.” Use it instead. See the pained expressions of the pick-up truck laden as they yell: “Hey, you guys look remarkable!” Or “I’m not going into that remarkable bar.”

Very soon, the very small minds of the very large mouthed will wither to chick pea status, their owners never quite understanding why their words no longer pack any punch.

In the meantime?

Be happy.

Be remarkable.

And keep up the good fight.
 
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