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Sat

28

Jul

2007

Not Of This Earth
Saturday, 28 July 2007 01:26
by Ed Naha

The free world can breathe a sigh of relief, at last. Bush’s weekend colonoscopy was a success. Five non-cancerous polyps were removed from the Oval Orifice as well as something called a medulla oblongata. Said Bush Spokesman Tony Snow: “The president is in good health. There is no reason for alarm.”

The operative words there are “good health” and “alarm.” If we assume that Bush can now go back to business as usual there are plenty of reasons for alarm. As is his wont, Bush can return to governing this country in the manner of the extraterrestrial emissary from the science-fiction classic “To Serve Man.”

Bush immediately got his ass into high gear this week by insisting that the al-Qaeda we’re fighting in Iraq is the same al-Qaeda that hit us on 9/11. (Those polyps may have been benign but they weren’t too bright.) To those who argue that the recently-formed al-Qaeda in Iraq is purely an Iraqi phenomenon, Bush said: “That would be news to Osama bin Laden.”

I’m betting it wouldn’t.

After singling out al-Qaeda in Iraq as “Public Enemy Number One,” (I hope these terror guys don’t mind sharing titles.), he chided critics who see the war in Iraq as a distraction in the global war on terrorism. “The problem they have is with the facts,” Bush declared, before breaking into his Golden Oldie: “We will stay on the hunt. We will deny them safe haven. We will defeat them.”

His ass refused to comment.

Smart ass.

The dumb ass, meanwhile, mentioned “al-Qaeda” over one hundred times in less than a half-hour.

Bush began his al-Qaeda routine to rally the disbelieving American populace July 4th, when he said that many of the car bombings and killings in Iraq were being carried out by “the very same folks that attacked us on September the 11th. A major enemy in Iraq is the same enemy that dared attack the United States on the fateful day.”

Americans, by and large, responded by eating burgers.

By mid-month, Bush was dropping the words “al-Qaeda” more frequently than Gonzales dropped federal attorneys.

Yet, no one seemed to pay attention to Bush. In fact, every military expert not wearing a Hannity hickey said that Bush ought to have his head examined. (Hence, the proctologist.)

So, Skeletor Chertoff stepped into the fray and told the American people that his gut was warning him of a terrorist attack on American soil this summer! Terrorists seem to like attacking during the summer. It’s something about that old Jan and Dean song, “Dead Man’s Curve” and hiding bombs under Hawaiian shirts. When the public disregarded Chertoff’s gut the way Bush does the realities of Iraq, our President got around to doing what he does best…dismantling the government.

Chanting “it’s good to be the King” Bush Co. stated that the Justice Department won’t be allowed to pursue contempt charges from Congress against White House officials in the U.S. attorney firing case because Bush had invoked “executive privilege.”

Bush also issued an executive order defining what verboten “torture” means as opposed to nifty “enhanced interrogation.” Of course the executive order didn’t actually list any approved interrogation techniques. So, we are to assume the CIA can still use the tried and true “Yo mama’s so fat…” routine.

On “Meet the Press,” National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell offered his assessment of Bush’s new rules. “I would not want a U.S. citizen to go through the process. But it is not torture, and there would be no permanent damage to that citizen.”

If that citizen’s name was Superman.

On a roll, Bush also issued another executive order, zippily entitled “Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq.” In other words, like the hero of TV’s “The Burn Notice,” an American citizen could wake up one, sunny day and find all his financial assets frozen, his credit and debit cards worth zilch and no way to legally defend himself if the government thinks that the above-mentioned citizen directly or indirectly aided someone who has committed or “poses a significant risk of committing” violent acts “threatening the peace or stability of Iraq.” Or, if the citizen somehow undermined “efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform” in Iraq.

You know, like if you have an anti-war bumper sticker or something.

(On a related note, one major network is thinking of launching a fall show entitled “So, You Think You Can Goosestep.”)

Bush is having a grand old time of it, transforming the capitol dome into a cone of silence.

Last May, for instance, Senator Hillary Clinton queried the Pentagon, wanting to know if the U.S. had an exit strategy for Iraq. Two months later, as Bush’s approval ratings achieved “Gong Show” loser status, she got her reply via a bitch slap by Under Secretary of Defense and former Cheney incubus Eric Edelman who wrote: “Premature and public discussion of the withdrawal of U.S. forces from Iraq reinforces enemy propaganda that the United States will abandon its allies in Iraq, much as we are perceived to have done in Vietnam, Lebanon and Somalia.”

In other words, question der Bushki’s defense of der Homeland and you’re a regular Tokyo Rose or Hanoi Hannah or Keith Olbermann.

Edelman’s boss, Defense Secretary Robert Gates backpedaled from Edelman’s spit-take, saying, “congressional debate on Iraq has been constructive and appropriate.”

Back to Bush’s cone. Democratic Rep. Peter DeFazio of Oregon, a member of the Homeland Security Committee who usually has access to all classified material, decided to see what plans the White House had to keep our government operating after a terrorist attack. He request was denied.

“I just can’t believe they’re going to deny a member of Congress the right of reviewing how they plan to conduct the government of the United States after a significant terrorist attack,” DeFazio told Oregonian newspaper reporter Jeff Kosseff.

Homeland Security Committee staffers told DeFazio that his request was approved before it was quashed. Why? Bush spokesman Trey Bohn declared: “We do not comment through the press on the process that this access entails.”

DeFazio, fazed by this executive power play, is going to try again, although he admitted: “Maybe the people who think there’s a conspiracy out there are right.”

With the Iraq war going south, the working class economy stagnant and the country being regarded as a leper by most of the world, Bush, last week, showed just why he’s known (in his head) as “the Decider.”

At an invitation-only speech, Bush singled out a veteran sitting in a wheelchair in the crowd. The serviceman had lost both legs in Iraq. Beaming like Alfalfa after battering a ballad, Bush declared: “He’s a good man. We’re going to get him some new legs. And, if he hurries up, he can outrun me on the South Lawn of the White House.”

Sigh.

Uh, suppose this kid was fine with his old legs? Let’s suppose he’d grown attached to them over the years and was quite upset when they were blown off in a war that originated in the wet dreams of Chickenhawks?

Bush’s ass was saved last weekend by a proctologist.

Who’s going to save ours?

Oh, yeah. “To Serve Man” was a cookbook.
 
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a guest said:

0
Jobba-J
How can things get any worse ? W out does Tricky-Dick & Ray-gun and remains in office & unimpeached, thanx to the democrats being devoid of testicular fabric.
But Tip`o The Hat to Ed Naha for at least making us laugh about the shitty polyp inhabiting the white house
 
July 28, 2007
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