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Sat

15

Sep

2007

FAQ: Petraeus' Testimony (Satire)
Saturday, 15 September 2007 15:13

by Will Durst

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT GENERAL PETRAEUS’
CONGRESSIONAL TESTIMONY

Q. How did General Petraeus’ testimony in front of
Congress go?
A. Pretty good. He emphasized that progress was being
made in Iraq. The same way he talked about the
progress being made in Iraq when he testified in the
same room back in 2004. He might be using the same
script.
Q. What’s the difference between then and now?
A. Back then, Baghdad still had electricity and water
and the wheel.
Q. Did General Petraeus speak about what the future
holds for our Iraqi involvement?
A. He acknowledged the road ahead would be difficult.
He also allowed that fire engines are often red.
Q. The General said we have raised the number of
trained Iraqi security forces fighting alongside
American troops. Is it a significant rise?
A. 60%. From 5 to 8.
Q. 5 to 8 brigades? Divisions?
A. No. Troops. Used to be 5 guys we could trust. Now
its 8.
Q. What happened to the Democrats holding the
General’s feet to the fire?
A. Everyone except Moveon.org scampered away like 12
year old girls running from a big hairy spider.
Q. What did Moveon.org do?
A. They ran a full page ad in the New York Times
spotlighting General Betray Us.
Q. Why?
A. How often do you get a rhyme like that? Once in a
lifetime shot; they took it.
Q. Doesn’t the latest National Intelligence Estimate
report Iraq’s government is paralyzed by internal
squabbling and petty personal differences?
A. Yes, so if you think about it, we have made strides
in installing an American style democracy.
Q. Did the General really respond to whether our
intervention in Iraq was making America safer, by
saying, “Unh, I don’t know, actually?”
A. Yeah. So?
Q. Nothing. Just curious.
A. Well, move on. I mean, keep going.
Q. What does the General mean when he says security
gains since the surge have been “uneven.”
A. “Uneven” is traditional Pentagon speak for “getting
our butts handed to us on a paper plate.”
Q. What about those benchmarks that were, oh, so
important in January?
A. Turns out they weren’t really all that important.
What is important is other stuff. Stuff that looks
good right now.
Q. The President called the insurgents in Iraq, Al
Qaeda 12 times in his speech. What’s up with that?
A. A small group calls itself Al Qaeda of Iraq, but
its not the same Al Qaeda responsible for 9/11.
Surfing off the credibility of the name. Kind of like
a terrorism franchise.
Q. Does fighting one hurt the other?
A. There used to be two teams in the Canadian Football
League called the Red Ryders. But if you beat one it
didn’t mean you got credit for two victories in the
standings.
Q. What ever happened to “we’ll step down when the
Iraqis step up?”
A. Someone stole the steps.
Q. Was a timetable provided for reducing troops in
Iraq?
A. Nothing clear cut. Something to do with snow and
hell.
Q. And the upshot of the whole thing?
A. General Petraeus asked for more time. He’s hoping
to come back in March with a new report.
Q. So, they’re just going to keep kicking the dead cat
down the road. Until when, do you think?
A. Does November 4th, 2008 have any meaning here?
Q. Is that a question?
A. Sorry, no.

Comedian, actor, writer, former radio talk show host
and fork lift driver, Will Durst, thinks Bush’s model
for Iraq was made in Korea and will break in less than
a week.

Catch Durst performing his solo show “The All-
American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” Off Broadway at
the New World Stages (340 West 50th Street, NY 10019)
now extended through the end of October. Yea. 1 800
telecharge or Telecharge.com for tickets.
willdurst.com for more info.

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