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Sun

02

Dec

2007

A New Excuse to Vote Chartier!
Sunday, 02 December 2007 16:42
by Tom Chartier

The media is ignoring my candidacy for POTUS! I am being blacklisted… I am not and never have been a… member of the neoconservative cabal.

I’m not being taken seriously. How can that be? I mean, I’ve won all the debates held by my political party (Progressive Extinct Species Take-Out)… but there have been no live YouTube broadcasts! Even the fish wrappings fail to mention PEST or my candidacy below the fold or on the back page. I haven’t been invited to speak anywhere! What gives?

Maybe my candidacy lacks pizzazz. Fine! Those slimeball kingmakers are messin’ with the wrong wannabe Kahuna! Time to play hardball.

Although it’s unprecedented, I am announcing my running mate here and now! That’s right! Before the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary; before PEST’s nominating convention, which is being held in la cucaracha capital of the world, the No Tell Motel in beautiful downtown Oxnard, California (it’s more than just a pretty name). My handlers tell me to wait, but no way! See, I’m showing leadership qualities already by not listening to anyone.
Are you ready? Hold on to those Indy 500 tickets. I choose as my running mate and future Vice President of the United States… Helio Castroneves! (By the way, do any of you have Helio’s phone number?)

Good choice huh? I thought so. He’s much less embarrassing than Marie Osmond or Wayne Newton.

We all know what my qualifications are… I have none. And, like the Earl of Rosebery, - “that Hamlet-like aristocrat who could neither endure political life nor escape it” (1) - I don’t really want the job. I do not promise, lick or brown nose. Powerful lobbies, corporate jackboots and interest groups abhor me. The feelings are mutual.

Consider the wisdom of the late Evil Knieval who was asked if he’d like to compete in the Monaco F1 Grand Prix. "No way!” he said referring to the derring-do of the drivers, “Those guys are crazy!" All the same, I must sacrifice myself on the altar of the country and I need someone very brave indeed to assist in the privilege. That’s where Helio comes in.

But what about Helio? What are Helio’s qualifications?

Excellent question. I’m glad you brought it up.

It’s simple. Helio drives faster than atwelve-year-old resident of Qatar. And he gets away with it. He’s above the law when it comes to traffic enforcement and speed cameras. He’s one happy camper a distinct difference from our current VP. Just look at these two smiling faces...

Is there any question Helio would be an improvement? I think not!

And let’s face it; Helio is a winner… a real winner, not a Windshield Cowboy. Helio has not one but two Indy 500 wins under his belt (back to back) and now, something that impresses me even more… he’s the 2007 Dancing With The Stars champion! Already he has been victorious in a popularity contest. See? The People love him. And I’ll be honest here… another thing “real” candidates rarely are (with one notable exception)… Helio is way more famous and popular than I ever will be in a million years!

In these dark times I know what ordinary folk want and it ain’t more 9/11-mongering and gloom spewing. America wants… a few fast laps around the track and the dance floor.

Hey! With Helio as my co-pilot maybe we will get on Letterman!

What’s this you say? Helio isn’t an American citizen? He’s Brazilian?! Uh… Is that a problem? Hm… yeah, it seems I did read something about U.S. citizenship requirements somewhere. Well… Drat and bracafrats! There has to be a way around that little bugaboo.

Desperate times calls for desperate measures: how about we offshore outsource the entire 2008 contest to Brazil? Maybe we can boost America’s anemic export profile by shipping U.S. politicians and their handlers abroad? Surely someone has a use for them.

How about I just issue a pre-POTUS signing statement? Even as I thumb my nose at one scrap of legal paper, I will be busy creating new ones. If I am “elected,” my goal is 20 presidential directives, findings and signing statements… a day! And no one can stop me… well, almost no one. Let those savvy political analysts chalk up my legal energy to an inborn talent: I didn’t even have to go to Yale.

So, I don’t care who issued Mr. Castroneves his green card. He’s in good company if he doesn’t have one. Fact is, he’s as American as apple pie. Man, the dude drives racecars for Roger Penske! Jumpin’ Gee Hosafats the only people I can think of who might be more American are: Ted Nugent, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis. And don’t harsh on my mellow by insisting the last two are dead. I simply refuse to believe these blasphemous untruths! Why if Mike Huckabee can direct dial God, I can text message Elvis.

Green card, shmeen card. Helio’s a prince. In this case, wouldn’t you (and the Federal Elections Commission) be inclined to look the other way?

Thought so.

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.

1) Lord Rosebery by K. G.
Author(s) of Review: Walter Phelps Hall
The American Historical Review, Vol. 38, No. 1 (Oct., 1932), pp. 117-119 doi:10.2307/1838088

 
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Laurie Williams said:

December 10, 2007
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