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Fri

27

Jun

2008

Not with a bang, but with a chimp
Friday, 27 June 2008 20:45
by Ed Naha

When a third rate Carney chimp fancies himself a razorback gorilla destined for King Kong status, there’s bound to be trouble. In America’s case, seven and a half years’ worth.

Which brings me to the hurricane of verbal gas George W. Bush has unleashed in the last week or so. “It’s in our national interest that we defeat hopelessness,” he sanctimoniously stated to a British reporter, apparently unaware that a new Harris poll found that 80% of Americans think this country is going down the crapper and only 24% think Bush is doing a good job. (Apparently, 24% of Americans enjoy wearing gorilla suits, too.)

On a whirlwind gasbag tour of both Europe and the states, Bush has redefined, yet again, the word “delusional.” And, as usual, no one has called him on it.

In an interview with Sky News Political editor Adam Boulton, Bush exuded the kind of cockiness known only to victorious warriors and guys who take off their pants, use their underwear for headgear and wave “bye-bye” to passing cars from the end of their driveways. And, as we all know, a warrior Bush ain’t.

When Boulton noted that Afghanistan is turning out notso hotso, stating that “no one really expected to be where we are now with a high rate of casualties amongst British and American forces,” Bush calmly replied, “I think a lot of people didn’t expect there to be a democratically elected government, either, with a parliament and a President.”

While Bush was singing, “I do think it’s getting better,” headlines were screaming: “Is the Taliban Making a Comeback?” “Afghan official: 870 inmates escape from prison,” and “May combat deaths in Afghanistan outpace Iraq: Violence signals widening of war to Pakistan, Taliban, al-Qaeda havens.”

Boulton pointed out that the British Empire failed in Afghanistan and the Soviet empire failed in Afghanistan and, just maybe, the locals are simply waiting out the American “empire.”

Bush offered: “Could be. Except this isn’t the American empire, the British Empire or coalition empire. This is freedom’s march.”

Before Bush could accuse Boulton of stealing his strawberries, the reporter was smacked down for saying that Gitmo, Abu Ghraib and the U.S.’s idea of interrogation represented “the complete opposite of freedom.”

“Of course if you want to slander America, you can look at it one way,” Bush shot back. “But you go down — what you need to do — I think I suggested you do this at a press conference — if you go down to Guantanamo and take a look at how these prisoners are treated — and they’re working it through our court systems. We are a land of law.”

This brought about the following exchange, which rivals Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s On First?” routine for sheer hilarity.

BOULTON: “But the Supreme Court have just said that — you know, ruled against what you’ve been doing down there.”

THE PRESIDENT: “But the district court didn’t. And the appellate court didn’t.”

BOULTON: “The Supreme Court is supreme, isn’t it?”

THE PRESIDENT: “It is, and I accept their verdict. I don’t agree with their verdict. And it’s not what I was doing down there. This was a law passed by our United States Congress that I worked with the Congress to get passed and sign into law.”

BOULTON: “But it looked like an attempt to bypass the Constitution, to a certain extent.”

THE PRESIDENT: “This was a law passed, Adam. We passed a law. Bypassing the Constitution means that we did something outside the bounds of the Constitution. We went to the Congress and got a piece of legislation passed.”

BOULTON: “Which is now being struck down, I think.”

THE PRESIDENT: “It is, and I accept what the Supreme Court did, and I necessarily don’t have to agree with it.”

In an interview with Ned Temko of “The Observer,” Bush was in full Mad Hatter form, as well, offering what political observers call “creative interpretations” of recent history but normal folks call “lies.”

TEMKO: “Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq obviously is …”

THE PRESIDENT:” Still looking for them.”

TEMKO: “Still looking for them, exactly.” (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: “That was a huge disappointment.”

TEMKO: “And the obvious question your critics ask, particularly in Britain, is if we’d known at the time there weren’t any WMD, would there have been this war?”

THE PRESIDENT: “Well, you know, that’s one of those great hypotheticals that we didn’t know. Now having said that, I still strongly defend the decision. The world is better off without Saddam Hussein in power. But Presidents don’t get to do ‘re-dos,’ they don’t get to do ‘look backs,’ ‘ifs.’ All I can tell you is, is that we thought for certain there was weapons of mass destruction, as did the nations that voted for 1441.”

When Temko attempted to talk about the wholesale killing of Iraqi civilians, Bush attempted to out-do Sammy Davis Jr. in terms of tap dancing.

TEMKO: “One of the questions, of course, they ask, is, do you feel a sense of personal pain…”

THE PRESIDENT: “Course I do.”

TEMKO: “– over the Iraqi civilians who have …”

THE PRESIDENT: “I feel a sense of pain for those who were tortured by Saddam Hussein, by the parents who watched their daughters raped by Saddam Hussein, by those innocent civilians who have been killed by inadvertent allied action, by those who have been bombed by suicide bombers. I feel a sense of pain for death. I feel a sense of pain for the families of our troops. I read about it every night. Or I used to read about it every night; the violence has changed.”

(NOTE: To fully comprehend the above answer, it is necessary to don a tin foil hat while placing one’s tongue in a live outlet.)

He also blamed the press for the Iraq war being loathed by everyone not posing in a gorilla suit. “This is a volunteer army, and these kids are in this fight because they want to be in the fight and they believe in it. And yet these poor parents are looking at — oftentimes looking at negativity, just people quick to report the ugly and the negative. But it’s hard to report on the schools that are opening or the clinics that are opening or the playgrounds that are filling up, the society is coming back.”

He actually said that Iraqis were happy about the U.S. invasion, blathering: “But my view is, is that when you talk to Iraqis, they’re thrilled with the idea of living in a free society. Do they like the fact that violence is still there? No. But every society reaches a level of violence that’s tolerable.

“And has that reached Iraq? I don’t know yet.”

Returning to America, Bush blamed the Democrats for the economy, (“They tried to go on a spending spree.”) the gas shortage, the negative attitude towards Bush’s war-of-the-week club and the whole Charlie Sheen custody battle. (I made that last one up. Could you tell?)

He called for a resumption of off-shore drilling, knowing full well it won’t mean squat to the price of gasoline, praised John McCain as a visionary, accused the Supreme Court of “judicial activism that frustrates the American people” and addressed the flooding disaster in Iowa with the stirring “I know a lot of farmers and cattlemen are hurting right now, along with city people,” (Uh, so that would mean EVERYbody?) before promising “a big chunk of disaster money” to the afflicted. Weee doggies!

While Bush was feeling verbally vomitaceous, his evil Captain Kangaroo doppelganger, John Bolton, declared that the best outcome of an Obama victory would be “more embassy bombings, more bombings of our warships like the Cole, more World Trade Center attacks,” and conservative columnist Bill Kristol wondered aloud if Bush would bomb Iran if he thought Obama was going to win.

Now, the fact that Bush is a duplicitous, arrogant ideologue comes as no surprise to anyone with the I.Q. of a brick or above. (Sorry, 24% of America.) The only reason I highlight our Pretzledent’s recent pee-wee posturing is that some Americans seem ready to vote for Bush’s maniacal “Mini-Me,” John McCain.

McCain, I believe, makes George Bush look like a, er, bush leaguer when it comes to courting chaos. Once you get past McCain’s jovial, Foxy Grandpa delivery, you find a man who will do and say anything to get elected and has the attention span and the geopolitical knowledge of a gnat.

He recently proposed a $300 million prize for whoever can develop a better car battery, knowing full well that auto manufacturers are already working on it. (Phew! Now, McCain’s wife won’t have to fork over that cash!)

He also decried Barack Obama’s opting out of public election financing, saying that Obama had broken his word. Of course, McCain himself has opted out, sort of, kind of, while keeping it all on the Q.T.

As Jamison Foser of “MediaMatters for America” pointed out: “John McCain said he would take public financing for the Republican primaries. Then he used the promise of that public financing to help secure a loan for his campaign. Then, after he wrapped up the Republican nomination, he abruptly decided he did not want to be bound by the limits on campaign fundraising and spending that accompany public financing, so he announced that he had changed his mind.

“But Federal Election Commission chairman David Mason sent McCain a letter saying that he cannot unilaterally opt out of the public financing system without FEC approval — a letter the McCain campaign ignored. If McCain cannot opt out of the system unilaterally, he has broken the law by raising and spending funds in excess of legal limits, and continues to do so each day. Even if McCain isn’t breaking the law, he has already broken his word and ‘reversed himself’ on the question of whether he would take public funding for the primaries.”

Watching McCain flip-flop on EVERY topic is unnerving. Yet, some voters think of him as a true patriot who will return America to its glory daze. Be forewarned. As the Carney chimp hisself once said: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”

Last week, assessing his King Midas In Reverse role, Junior declared, “It’s been a fabulous life. Just remember, there’s six months to go and a lot can get done in six months.”

That same week, two wire service stories had rather telling headlines: “Everything seemingly is spinning out of control” and “Sarcasm Seen as Evolutionary Survival Skill.”

Also, Newt Gingrich compared John McCain to Lincoln.

I’m really missing George Carlin already.
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caynazzo said:

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I've never heard of a razorback gorilla. Razorbacks are wild boars and silver backs are gorillas.
 
June 30, 2008
Votes: +0

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