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Sun

31

May

2009

Swine Flu: The Global Warming Solution
Sunday, 31 May 2009 13:44
by Tom Chartier
Bart: “Dad, am I going to die?”
Homer: “Yes you are son!!!”
Is it just me or is it hot outside? I swear I haven’t seen a penguin in these parts since… forever. But then, I live in the Northern Hemisphere. Ok, well I haven’t seen a puffin in these parts either! Oh yeah… I almost forgot. I live in the tropics and it’s always hot here. We don’t have puffins anyway. Nevertheless, things are warming up all over.

You may not actually notice any Global Warming since the rate is incrementally minute over a long period of time. Only scientists with carefully measured data and Al Gore can see it. As such, not everybody is convinced. Some folks consider Global Warming to be a hoax, a scam or the latest scare tactic. Even members of the scientific community can’t agree.

Is Global Warming real? Is it just part of nature’s cycles? Is it a man-made catastrophe the result of all the gunk we dump into the air? Or is it just a lot of hot air?

I don’t know and choose not to enter the debate. I get enough heat from happy readers who want to exterminate me to go courting more trouble. However, it’s probably best to hedge one’s bet on the “made-made” side in the offhand chance Global Warming is our fault and can be fixed. I for one would prefer to stave off the rise of the Mantis People and Roach Republic for a few extra million years if possible. Apologies to all you entomologists.

Assuming that all our cars, industries and blowhard “elected officials” are to blame for what may be an early extinction of humanity what do we do?

That’s a simple question to answer. We need to cut down on the number of cars, smog-belching factories and long-winded diatribes. Unfortunately that’s easier said than done. We could adjourn all sessions of Congress permanently. But that’s just not going to be enough, despite the immediately apparent improvement of air quality over Washington DC. All those gas-guzzlers, gas-misers and coal burning gristmills need to be reigned in.

Hm… I’m not sure anybody is going to have any luck in plugging up the exhaust pipes of Big Money and “progress.” In this wacky dysfunctional system of ours, where there’s a buck to be made all morality is all too often tossed out on the landfill or burned at the dump… as we have seen recently.

Well… who can blame the greedy bastards for cranking out five ton Family Truckster SUVs? They get ten miles per gallon and have been all the rage with busy Moms so they can drive Scooter to his soccer game? As W.C. Fields said: “It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”


The problem is we have too many suckers. In other words, the Earth is over populated with humanity. Think of it like that aquarium packed with guppies, mollies and platies breeding without any checks and balances from some good predators… like Piranha. Those of you who have been through this heartbreaking scenario know all too well, one day you get up and the tank has crashed. Everybody is belly up and it stinks worse than the latest economic recovery initiative.

Ok master, I have a cunning plan. Are you ready? No need to panic. It’s called Swine Flu! Yes, folks gather ‘round as I explain the new miracle cure for Global Warming! Let Mother Nature fix herself. Cull the herd! Reduce the surplus population! Embrace the coming pandemic of epic proportions! Bring out your dead!

You ask: How can I help to use Swine Flu to cleanse the Earth and put an end to Global Warming? After all, you do want to secure good times for future generations. How can the overworked mom or the dutiful breadwinner dad contribute to the cause?

I understand the eager desire to help out and the confusion. No need for alarm. With a few simple steps you too can become another Typhoid Mary or in this case a Swine Flu Bobby.

First, never, never wash your hands! That’s one of the big no-nos. Filthy hygiene does wonders in spreading plagues and that’s the goal. Also avoid wearing those silly blue or white surgical masks. How can you spread or contract a good deadly virus while wearing a surgical mask? You don’t see Ebola victims in Africa wearing them do you? Heck no!

Next, you’re feeling a bit woozy. The sniffles have turned into a painful cough coupled with a mild fever of 103F. Your doctor has advised you to rest in bed, drink plenty of fluids and take Tylenol. Hogwash! Now’s the time you can really do some good in spreading Swine Flu! You are infected! You lucky stiff.

It’s time to get out and about. Go to work. Shake hands with all the people you meet. Smile and be boisterous, you are a carrier. As such, the time is right to book a flight to Orlando, Florida and visit Disney World. It’s hard to beat a long flight for spreading around a good viral infection. Once you’ve seen all there is to see, done all there is to do and passed out in a state of delirium on all the attractions at Disney World how about spreading the love with a Caribbean Cruise? Visit all the islands you can. Trust me, islanders are sitting ducks for viruses like Swine Flu. I should know. And besides, you may never get another chance to visit anywhere once the Grim Reaper comes knocking on your door and you do want to go happy right?

In all likelihood, Swine Flu will be about as deadly as any number of annual flu viruses that sweep around the world several times a year. A few people always die but most of us simply get sick and feel like something the cat refused to eat for a week or two. All the hoopla may just be more fear mongering or another devious scheme to sell more drugs. But I prefer to be optimistic. Swine Flu could be Thomas Malthus’ dream come true and solve all our problems, unemployment, starvation, economic turmoil, Osama bin Laden, the Heartbreak of Psoriasis and… Global Warming!

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